Alert and Aloof: Seeing Stars
It sure is a nice night for a walk! The stars are out and Aloof has decided to go star-gazing. On his way to his favorite park he runs into a group of punks! What's he going to do! "Do you fellas want to go to star-gazing with me?" Aloof asks. "No!" the punks yell, "We just wanna cause trouble!" "I- I don't want any trouble," says a very frightened Aloof, "Here! Take my wallet!" "No!" yell the punks again, "We wanna hurt you!" And that's just what they do! I bet Aloof wishes he had practiced some self-defense, but he was always too busy listening to his records. Looks like he's not seeing the stars he wanted to!

The same punks come across Alert later that night. "Hey square! We're gonna hurt you!" Oh no! Looks like Alert's in trouble! Not so fast! Alert's been practicing different self-defense techniques in preparation for the total collapse of society (which is happening thanks to punks like these). He also knows to always carry a blunt object with him. Alert makes short work of those punks!

Whoops! Looks like you let one get away, Alert! Don't worry, he'll get his when the downfall of civilization happens.

Alert and Aloof: Cold Hard Cash
There goes Aloof! Off to the ATM to withdraw some money from his savings account. He puts all his money in there every week, just like his mom says. "Paper money is so old fashioned!" Aloof says, "I just use my card for everything!" Too bad for him it will all be gone after the massive climate change!

Alert knows all about the impending climate change (as outlined in a prominent pentagon report titled "An Abrupt Climate Change Scenario and Its Implications for United States National Security", which he found thanks to this very magazine) and the upheaval of world power it will cause. And he knows not to trust the banks, and especially "electronic" tellers, with his money. Nope, good ol' Alert goes to the bank once a month to exchange his money for gold bars, which he then buries in his back yard, safe from electronic glitches and the inevitable anarchy that will come with the next ice age.

Look at that! Here comes the snow, and with it, massive social change. And there's Aloof, left out in the cold, with no money to pay his rent or buy a parka. Maybe Alert will help him out. Or maybe not!

Alert and Aloof: Red Alert!
Uh oh! The terror alert level has just been raised to RED! Time to be ready! How are Alert and Aloof preparing for the inevitable attack and likely break down of society that will ensue in the aftermath?

Alert gets the news first from his favorite survivalist blogs. Alert then gives his end-times bunker one last check to make sure he's stocked up on supplies: 50 gallons of water, water purifier, hunting supplies, shotgun and shells (to fight off fallout mutants, terrorists and punks), dried food and canned goods high in calories, $10,000 in gold bars, entertainment supplies-- is Alert forgetting anything? Uh oh! Make sure you remember to renew your subscription to our magazine, Alert! We'll be the only one left publishing after the collapse of civilization!

What's Aloof been doing? Nothing! "The mainstream media doesn't seem to be concerned, why should I be?" Instead he lounges around with his friends, having a good time making fun of hardworking people like Alert and keeping his money in US dollars.

Sure enough, the blogs were right! Terrorists detonated dirty bombs all over America! Even in Alert and Aloof's hometown. Alert is safe and secure in his bunker, relaxing until the fallout passes and he has to face a totally changed world. Who's that banging outside of his door? It's Aloof, getting ravaged by radiation and punk rockers! Don't say we didn't warn you Aloof! Should Alert open the bunker and help him out? No way! It's every man for himself now!

Remember: Survival is a State of Mind!