Puffs Legs’ Jokes

Peanut butter and Fluff walk into a grilled cheese bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What are you guys nuts?” Peanut butter says, “Well, I used to be.” Fluff just looked at him really confused.

Q. What do you get when you cross Jimmy Neutron and Earl, from My Name is Earl?

A. Karma Electron

Q. What do the Golden Girls’ grandchildren call them?

A. Golden Grams

Q. What does Shaq do for breakfast when he’s running late for practice?

A. Shaquita banana

Shirley Temple and Roy Rogers walk into a bar. The bartender hands them a Shirley Temple and a Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers looks at the batender like he’s gonna kill him. Shirley’s on her cell, totally unaware.

Ben Sayconkstagonk really did not have a good deal going with his name. Every time Ben would say his full name, the person or people would say back, “Conkstagonk!!” cause the first part of his last name say’s “Say.” The worst would be when he had to say his name in front of strangers. After he was asked to say his name “Sayconkstagonk” they would oddly pause and say back, “Conkstagonk??” and Ben would say, “no, that’s my name, Saygonkstagonk.” And the people, then anoyed would say back, “just did, Conkstagonk.” One time this happened and Ben said back, “Say Gangsta rap” The people were like, “what?”

Q. What did Austin Powers say the first time he saw his honey with her hair up?
 
A. Oh beehive!

Q. Why did they kick Donald Duck out of Disneyland?

A. They caught him doing quack.

Q. If   1 = 1%    &    2 = 20%    what does  “&”  equal?
 
A. Tampersand

Johnny McTippytoes was from Scotland and he loved to dance around the village. He alway’s danced on his toes and used to say things like, “Tippy tip tap!” Then one day Johnny met a young lady who was known for her ugly scary face. Everytime she told Johnny she was ugly and scary, he’d say, “Tippy tip tap!” and it would make her feel better. They got married and had one kid. Henry.

Q. What was Nemo’s crowning achievement in High school?

A. Well, he certainly wasn’t the smartest fish in the school (badump bump!) but his classmates found Nemo extremely funny. He won the title of class clown fish by a water slide.

Olav and Igor walk into a meat packing plant outside of Hamburg.  It’s cold and there are all these slabs of meat hanging everywhere.  The shift change warning bell rings and all of a sudden Igor snaps.  He starts punching and kicking all the hanging meat slabs.  They start swinging from side to side, and there are meat pieces flying everywhere.  Olav does his best to try to stay out of Igor’s sight, but one of the huge hanging slabs hits him and knocks him down.  Hanging about Olav’s waist is the horn of seeds he was to use to plant the season’s bounty.  But alas, when he falls down, he lands on the horn and it breaks, spreading the seeds everywhere.  Igor is now exhausted.  He’s sweating and his hands are bloody.  There’s steam billowing up from his head.  Olav yells to him “stop beating the meat, you’re making a huge mess.”  He then sees all the strewn seeds and starts to cry.  Igor hears this and goes over to his friend.  “What is the matter, Olav?”  “Oh, Igor.  I will never amount to anything.”  “What do you mean Olav?  You are the smartest guy I know.  You will create something everyone will love.  What you did with those potatoes was amazing!  It just needed a little something.”  “Igor, but what am I to do?”  Olav grabs a handful of the seeds now completely covered with meat pieces and shows Igor.  “Look, I’ve destroyed the seeds I was to use this spring.  I need help Igor.  Who will help me?”  “Oh Olav.  Don’t worry.  I will be your helper.  Let’s start by gathering up all this meat and seeds and clean up as best we can.”  Just then the shift change bell rings again and Igor kills Olav.  He hangs him up with the other meat slabs and walks out.

There once was a kid named Sam. His favorite book was Green Eggs and Ham. When asked what his favorite character was, he’d always say, “Sam I Am Sam”. People would say, “what?” when Sam said this. Often times they’d say, “You mean Sam I Am?” and he’d say back, “Sam.” Most would give up with Sam cause they would be too frustrated with him. One day, a little girl asked Sam what his favorite Dr. Suess character was, and he said, “Sam I Am Sam.” The girl paused, then said, “huh? wha?”

Hacksaw Jim Duggan walks into a bar and “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” The bartender says, “What can I get..” and then “HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” so he shrugs his “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Then he says, “Seriously,” and “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” So the bartender throws the bar rag down and then “HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” and “HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” and “Intercontinental CHAMP!!!” and then “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” So he says, “Alright pal you gotta..” “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” and then, “That’s right MEAN GENE!!!” and one more “HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” for good measure and then he whips his two by four into the ceiling fan. That was it.

How many light bulbs does it take to screw up a joke?

Q. Who do you want to avoid once the sun goes down on Gilligan’s Island?

A. Mr. and Mrs. Howl

Hamburger Helper, the Pillsbury Doughboy and Snuggle walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender walks over and says with a snide laugh, “I.D.’s gentleman..” Hamburger Helper pipes right up and says, “Buddy are you kidding me? We’ve been around forever. We were on TV when you used to sit on your Mommy’s lap and watch the Merv Griffin show.. now just give us a round of scotch!” So the bartender says in a sarcastic voice, “Well, well, well, it looks like I’ve got a little tough guy on my… hand” a few of the regulars start chuckling so he adds, “You must be weally mad Mista Helper, you pwobably want to thumb westle me wight now huh?” All of the patrons start howling. Hamburger curls his fingers over his face real tight and then opens them as wide as can be and yells, “Just give us the damn drinks buddy!” then he slams himself like a fist on the bar causing the glasses to rattle and the laughter to stop. Then Pillsbury whispers, “Seriously, just give us the drinks man” So the bartender looks at him and shouts, “What did you say dough balls?” and pokes him in the stomach. Pillsbury didn’t find this at all funny so there was no signature giggle, instead he put out his cigarette and blew a big cloud of smoke into the bartender’s face. Now the place was laughing again, this time at the bartender. The bartender with a bright red face coughed and yelled, “Get the hell outta here you little muffin squeezer!!” The Dough boy then stood up on his barstool, crossed his arms and said “I don’t think so”. So the bartender shakes his head and notices Snuggle whimpering with his little mitten hands covering his face.  So he says to him, he says, “What about you little Snuggle bear?? What do you have to say for yourself? You a tough mascot guy too?!” Snuggle just looked up at him with his cute little eyes and said in a baby voice, “Snuggle..” The bartender still trying to get him going says, “What’s that you little towel molester?” and Snuggle repeats in his oh so cute way “Snuggle!” and then adds “Soft!” Just about every one in the bar went “Aaaaaaaaw!” This brought the bartender way back. He remembered how much he used to love the Snuggle bear and how he sent in 4 proofs of purchase and ten dollars so he could have his very own Snuggle to snuggle with. Once he snapped out of his daydream he said, “Okay little guy, I’ll get you a drink but not these two hooligans” When he turned around to grab the scotch he heard a loud deep voice say, “Yeah, you better get me a god damn drink!” so he whipped back around and said, “Wait, what?? What did you say??” Snuggle looked back up at him with his cute face and said, “Just get me a drink!”

Oofgills Flapwhacklesmack was a miracle. He was born with arms that he had no control over that would randomly smack things and people at will. His arms would rise from his sides and form a windmill type smack that would strike something multiple times. Named Flapwhacklesmack (real name Ackles) by his peers, Oofgills still hung out. One day he was in line for the urinals and noticed there were only 3. The 2 outside urinals were taken so Oofgills had to choose the middle one. But before he stepped up his arms went whackle on him and smacked the 2 guys that were already standing at the stalls. “18 rapid smacks I heard” said one witness who was behind Oofgills that day. That day was just another typical kind of day for him.

“When I was young people in my village would ring a bell every time I was angry to tell everyone to go into their homes until I calmed down.”  

- Igor Vovchanchyn 

When Igor Vovchanchyn was young people in his village would ring a bell every time he was angry to tell everyone to go into their homes until Igor calmed down. They thought Igor was angry but he really wasn’t. It just so happened that his favorite thing to do was to run around the village and punch and kick people. The townsfolk were petrified of Igor but he thought of it as a game, he’d shout things like, “You ring the bell, I ring your bell!!” One time, one of the townsfolk rang the bell as loud as he could and screamed, “I ring bell, you wrong smell!” Then he turned and ran.. right into a flurry of Igor’s flying fists and kicks. As Igor dumped the man’s body into the town well he chuckled, “You rang bell, now go to hell” Then all the townsfolk got killed.

Q. Why does the Pillsbury Dough Boy make a noise every time you poke his stomach?

A. Because he was born with a door bell-y button